Month: July 2014

On Self-love, CrossFit, and Writing

This post is going to deal with a topic that even when it isn’t directly related to writing, in a way, it is.

This last week The CrossFit Games happened and last night one of my favorite athletes, Camille Leblanc-Bazinet got crowned as Fittest Woman on Earth. I was super excited to be able to see her win this because she’s been a huge inspiration and I’ve been following her career ever since I started getting involved in CrossFit.

Which isn’t too long ago but feels like a lifetime away. Why? Let me explain.

At the beginning of the year I fell into a depression that crippled the one thing that worked when I needed to channel my feelings: writing. Christmas 2013 was horrible and it stuck with me for months on end during which I’d find myself not even able to finish my dinner plate because I’d burst into tears. The same thing happened when I reopened the manuscripts for the books I’d been writing before then. It was terrible and exhausting to try and push out words when my whole body was giving up on me. I thought I’d never get out of that slump. That until I remembered a birthday promise I’d made to myself last year that involved gifting myself at least the start of a new body for my 30th birthday. So I started visiting the track and running sprints (which I love) and started feeling better, awakening from that dormant state I was in.

But I can’t just run and run forever, it’s not me.

Back in 2006 I had taken on the idea of getting into bodybuilding. It was something I wanted to do since I was a little girl (yes, I did). My love for lifting heavy things took me to try my hand at this, so hubby helped me purchase some weights and protein powders and shit and, even when I did get some progress, I started bulking up due to not knowing how to tweak workouts to meet my goals. I used programs from T-Nation.com, participating in their forums, reading everything about the subject I could get my hands on, but kept doing heavy sets with no cardio that made me bigger and not leaner. Then I got a full-time job and stopped working out completely.

Very very bad because then the weight started piling up, who knew?

Now, 50 pounds heavier me had to kick her own ass in order to get her gears in motion. I’d wanted to go back to the weights ever since but didn’t really know how. Then I came across CrossFit and thought hey, this looks like all my dreams come true, let’s try it! So I did. At home. No box for me since the fees are out of my reach, so I researched and researched and back in March found this 30 Day At Home Crossfit Challenge over at Life Made Full and started with that, complementing it with some strength training with my old but not forgotten weights and more running.

It was the best decision I’ve made this year so far. It not only got me up and about but I’ve been writing like crazy again. And when I say crazy I mean that some days I can put 2k words into a story, no big deal.

So, what’s up with that renewed energy when it comes to the craft? I think it goes hand in hand with the fact that practicing CrossFit has led to a more confident me. It has taken the blob of emotions I had become and made me blossom into someone I never knew I could be, someone that went to the beach the other day and felt sexy in a swimsuit (until this girl came with her six-pack abs and I told hubby “we’re leaving!” Haha. Nah, I just thought damn, that’s gonna be future me). Even back when I was 50 pounds lighter I never felt this good in my own skin.

It’s because I’ve fallen in love with what my body can do and not with how it looks. Self-love is a word I’ve had to relearn.

Christian Thibaudeau wrote over at T-Nation in his Bodybuilder Goes CrossFit article:

I walk differently. I look more fluid and am more confident. I look like a different person when you see me approaching and it’s not even from the physical changes!

I feel the same way. Even hubby has noticed a little something in my walk that wasn’t there before. I haven’t lost tons of weight but I feel tighter, leaner, stronger, and more importantly, capable.

Of course, I’m not the only one. There are lots of posts out there where people talk about how CrossFit has helped them love themselves, see themselves in a different more positive light. For me, it hasn’t been only about that, it has been about reclaiming what I had lost for a while. Depression was affecting my craft and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m a writer, goddammit, I can’t just stop.

Exactly like when you’re half-way through a WOD, feeling like you’re dying, but you don’t stop, because you’re not stopping until you’re done. I’m not letting anything stop my writing, no sir, I’m not even close to done with that.

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Biting the perma-free dust

For some time I had been trying to tell Amazon that the first book of my series The Caregiver was free over at Smashwords, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, etc., but they kept ignoring me until yesterday morning when I woke up to find my book not only price-matched to free but with over twenty downloads.

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I had no idea I was in for a very very bumpy ride.

Since writing is a task that requires the use of, guess what? The brain! I was in for a day with no writing because of this new shiny thing that was happening over at my KDP dashboard called sales. Free units, yeah, not exactly sales but it kinda feels like it. It’s more of an ‘I’m broke but yaaaayyyy!’ kind of rush that it sometimes feels like a betrayal to all the hours spent and tears I’ve shed writing that thing that people seem to only care to take notice of when it’s free even though before it was only 99¢ and it has, like, 11 reviews with a 4.3 stars rating and a lot of them are from people I don’t even know and those from people I actually know got no money for them and no, none of them is my mother (she’s still asking where she went so awfully wrong that her daughter writes about gangsters and murder).

Now I don’t know if I want to smile or cry, or do both at the same time.

But that’s life in general.

Now, for the smiling part: The Caregiver got 238 downloads in 24 hours which is more than what it’d get during a 48hr KDP Select promo with me running around in circles all over the Internet promoting it. I did no promo whatsoever because I had no idea that would happen so that’s pretty pleasing. Oh, and it escalated to the 18th position on the Top 100 Free Crime Thriller list thingy.

My mother’s proud of me, the hubby is proud of me, my editor is proud of me, my friends are proud of me.

I’m still working on being proud of myself.

This. Is. So. Damn. Frustrating.

I’m sorry if I’m being too damn sincere because I’m trying to be as logical as I can with this thing since I did maths for it. Yeah, maths! Me!

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*sigh*

The math was done last November and posted here:

My novella, The Caregiver, keeps hitting the Top 20 and Top 10 in its category when I do the promo thingy. Then, when the free ride is over, it plummets back to the shadows. Meanwhile, The Caregiver Vignettes 1-5, with no reviews, no nothing, doesn’t hit lower than 30,000 in rank in its category. Why? Because it’s free.

As of right now the book has been downloaded 33 times today and that’s an effing record in itself. What’s the thread I’m hanging by? The fact that some people I have not paid or stabbed to get them to read my book have gotten hooked and bought books 2 and 3. I’m crossing my fingers these downloaders actually read it and that they then may or may not want to buy books 2 and 3 and the soon to come prequel and 4th book.

Of course, the fact that books 2 and 3 are already out there was a big part of this whole scheme. I give a little something, they give a little something.

And even if they don’t give me anything I’m sitting here after having not slept well because of OMG OMG OMG ALL THE DOWNLOADS and pondering if hubby will behave during fancy dinner parties surrounded by celebrities. Jaysus, I have to practice how to smile so it doesn’t look like I’m having a full-fledged spasm!