Life

On Self-love, CrossFit, and Writing

This post is going to deal with a topic that even when it isn’t directly related to writing, in a way, it is.

This last week The CrossFit Games happened and last night one of my favorite athletes, Camille Leblanc-Bazinet got crowned as Fittest Woman on Earth. I was super excited to be able to see her win this because she’s been a huge inspiration and I’ve been following her career ever since I started getting involved in CrossFit.

Which isn’t too long ago but feels like a lifetime away. Why? Let me explain.

At the beginning of the year I fell into a depression that crippled the one thing that worked when I needed to channel my feelings: writing. Christmas 2013 was horrible and it stuck with me for months on end during which I’d find myself not even able to finish my dinner plate because I’d burst into tears. The same thing happened when I reopened the manuscripts for the books I’d been writing before then. It was terrible and exhausting to try and push out words when my whole body was giving up on me. I thought I’d never get out of that slump. That until I remembered a birthday promise I’d made to myself last year that involved gifting myself at least the start of a new body for my 30th birthday. So I started visiting the track and running sprints (which I love) and started feeling better, awakening from that dormant state I was in.

But I can’t just run and run forever, it’s not me.

Back in 2006 I had taken on the idea of getting into bodybuilding. It was something I wanted to do since I was a little girl (yes, I did). My love for lifting heavy things took me to try my hand at this, so hubby helped me purchase some weights and protein powders and shit and, even when I did get some progress, I started bulking up due to not knowing how to tweak workouts to meet my goals. I used programs from T-Nation.com, participating in their forums, reading everything about the subject I could get my hands on, but kept doing heavy sets with no cardio that made me bigger and not leaner. Then I got a full-time job and stopped working out completely.

Very very bad because then the weight started piling up, who knew?

Now, 50 pounds heavier me had to kick her own ass in order to get her gears in motion. I’d wanted to go back to the weights ever since but didn’t really know how. Then I came across CrossFit and thought hey, this looks like all my dreams come true, let’s try it! So I did. At home. No box for me since the fees are out of my reach, so I researched and researched and back in March found this 30 Day At Home Crossfit Challenge over at Life Made Full and started with that, complementing it with some strength training with my old but not forgotten weights and more running.

It was the best decision I’ve made this year so far. It not only got me up and about but I’ve been writing like crazy again. And when I say crazy I mean that some days I can put 2k words into a story, no big deal.

So, what’s up with that renewed energy when it comes to the craft? I think it goes hand in hand with the fact that practicing CrossFit has led to a more confident me. It has taken the blob of emotions I had become and made me blossom into someone I never knew I could be, someone that went to the beach the other day and felt sexy in a swimsuit (until this girl came with her six-pack abs and I told hubby “we’re leaving!” Haha. Nah, I just thought damn, that’s gonna be future me). Even back when I was 50 pounds lighter I never felt this good in my own skin.

It’s because I’ve fallen in love with what my body can do and not with how it looks. Self-love is a word I’ve had to relearn.

Christian Thibaudeau wrote over at T-Nation in his Bodybuilder Goes CrossFit article:

I walk differently. I look more fluid and am more confident. I look like a different person when you see me approaching and it’s not even from the physical changes!

I feel the same way. Even hubby has noticed a little something in my walk that wasn’t there before. I haven’t lost tons of weight but I feel tighter, leaner, stronger, and more importantly, capable.

Of course, I’m not the only one. There are lots of posts out there where people talk about how CrossFit has helped them love themselves, see themselves in a different more positive light. For me, it hasn’t been only about that, it has been about reclaiming what I had lost for a while. Depression was affecting my craft and I couldn’t let that happen. I’m a writer, goddammit, I can’t just stop.

Exactly like when you’re half-way through a WOD, feeling like you’re dying, but you don’t stop, because you’re not stopping until you’re done. I’m not letting anything stop my writing, no sir, I’m not even close to done with that.

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The writer and the photographer

One of the many things I’m grateful in life is my husband. Yes, as cheesy as it may sound, that man is the best thing that’s ever happened to me (aaawwwwee).

Okay, enough of the pink stuff.

Of the many things I wanted to be in life (rock star, marine biologist, stripper, architect, etc.) there were two that were always on the top of my list: writer and photographer. I met my husband thanks to the photography classes I took during my B.A. in Audiovisual Communication. He, a photographer with 20+ years experience, me a student with an expensive camera and what everyone called ‘a good eye’. I love photography and I’m not that bad at it. However, the art that I’ve focused on the most as of late is writing and it has, apparently, taken over the rest of me.

Why do I say this? Let me give you an example:

We have a 6 month old doberman puppy-pony that could give the Energizer Bunny a run for his money. She’s goofy, she’s curious, and she can’t leave our cat alone, no matter how many times Jin-Jing slashes her, she’s always coming for more. One morning hubby walked out to the terrace and saw Carola, the puppy, staring at JJ up on a tree branch. The light was beautiful, the tree leaves looked so green and vivid, Carola’s pose was perfect, you could see JJ clearly through the leaves… “Astrid come out here!” I heard him and, after thinking ‘what does he want now?!’, went to check on what was happening. I was mesmerized by the scene, it was so beautiful. “Where’s the camera!” Hubby cut through my thoughts and my instant reply was “WHY?!”

Why? Because he’s a photographer! He needs to press the shutter on scenes like that to validate its existence. I, on the contrary, assimilate it and store it in my head so I can replay it later.

That’s why I know I’ll never be another one of those things I wanted to be at some point in my life: a photojournalist. Because I’d rather tell you what I saw (write about it to be exact) than show you a photographic reproduction of the moment.

And, to tell you the truth, as long as my readers are okay with that, I’m also okay with that.

So hubby better either carry his own camera or learn to store those images in his mind (and maybe learn to paint?). Yeah.